Crying For Keeps
by live stigmatized
Summary: Joey blames herself for her falling out with Dawson.


Title: Crying For Keeps  
  
Author: live stigmatized (Alex)  
  
Feedback: I love it! Yay! DistortedxEyes@aol.com  
  
Summary: Joey blames herself for her falling out with Dawson.  
  
Rating: G  
  
Pairing: Dawson/Joey  
  
Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah. I don't own the creekers. Obviously. I wouldn't even be writing this if I did because Dawson and Joey would never, ever have had their fight.  
  
Spoilers: 'The Kids Are Alright' / 'The Song Remains The Same'  
  
Dedication: For Lissie because she's always bugging me to write more.  
  
"How long 'til the web will completed / How many times will history repeat it / How long 'til the words fall to the pages / How many times 'til all we can say is 'Save us'"  
  
  
  
Her tears fell gently to her flowery, cotton pillowcase. She had called it a mistake. He probably believed that she really felt that way as he left her room that night. God, how wrong he would be if he did. Her whole body ached as she tried her hardest to let sobs that didn't exist anymore out of her body. She wanted to cry this out of her, to make it all go away. Maybe if she cried long enough, hard enough, and with all her heart she could take back time and handle the situation with more maturity than she had.  
  
Dawson had been dating a girl in L.A. That actually wasn't so bad, now that she thought about it. She had had a boyfriend over the summer too, had she not? Then she remembered why she had actually been so upset. Dawson hadn't already broken up with this girlfriend when he slept with her. But then again, he had broken up with the girl that morning hadn't he? Oh that's right, he didn't tell her about it. She felt betrayed, she felt lied to, and by the one person she thought she could trust the most no less.  
  
He had called her a child and said she didn't know what she wanted, and the worst part about it all was that he was right. She wanted to live in the fantasy world where there were no problems in a relationship, that piece of her had never ever grown up and she was soon regretting that. It was okay to be like that for a little while, but she was finally realizing that it was for this reason that her heart was always so badly broken when things went awry, when she wouldn't work out a problem. She always felt that she and Dawson were too perfectly fit together to ever have a problem they couldn't easily slip out of. But he had opened her eyes tonight, and he had been so right about everything. Maybe he really did love her as much as he said he did. Only someone who loved her would be able to notice things like that and throw them back in her face, because only someone who loved her would understand that sometimes, the 'right thing' isn't actually the right thing to say and sometimes, she needed to have her heart broken to see the truth. And she did now.  
  
The truth was that Dawson was gone and she was alone. But this time it really had been all her fault and there were no other factors when it really came down to it. Dawson's girlfriend in L.A. didn't matter at all and it was obvious what had happened tonight was something that was bound to happen; it just needed something to set it off. She didn't know if Dawson would ever come back to her, even if she did apologize. She knew that this time, if she wanted to save this, it was up to her to do so. She just didn't know if it was worth it anymore. They were running in circles and they were getting nowhere fast. She felt 16 again, knowing she had screwed up after she told him she never wanted to see him again. Telling him that sleeping with him was a mistake was worse than even that. Except this time she was even more sorry because she really didn't plan on saying it. It just fell out of her mouth after he had slapped her with the truth. At the time a lie seemed like the perfect match for his truth. But she wanted to take it back, because he took the lie as her truth.  
  
The truth was she was leaping for joy among all her pain because they had finally slept together. It felt as though everything with them was perfect until their argument, until he walked away. She had tried to go after him the second he walked out the door, unaware that he had tried to come back. But she was so ashamed for what she had said to him. She couldn't face him yet, she had to think of how she could possibly take it away and make things all right.  
  
Dawson was wrong about one thing, though. She knew one thing that she wanted. She wanted him. It didn't matter what they called themselves, just so long as he was always there by her side, whether he be a friend, a lover, a boyfriend, or a husband. She wanted him there, with her. But in that moment as she lay cold, sweaty, crying, hurting, and confused, she couldn't feel him there. Usually she knew he wasn't far and all she would have to do was call him and he'd be there for her to calm her down and make things all right again. But this time, she had hurt him and she had messed everything up and none of it was his fault and if anything, she should be the one comforting him. He wouldn't come to her though. He was leaving in the morning to go back to L.A. and he was going to be Dawson and deal with his pain himself. Even if he had needed a friend, she wouldn't be the one he would call.  
  
She looked up at the Hollywood snow globe that he had given her right before he made everything in her world perfect. That one simple gift had been the beginning of something so beautiful, so amazing, so perfect; and there it sat, looking happy and innocent, like the boy who had first had the dream of living the real place, the real dream she was looking at through a ball of glass. That was all she had of him in this moment. She needed more, so much more. But then as she started to remind herself that this was in her hands and she needed to fix it, she remembered. She couldn't fix anything until he said he wanted them fixed, until he invited her back into his life. She didn't belong in his life until he said she did. She didn't deserve any of the privileges that came with being in his life until he said she did. He wasn't her Dawson anymore. 


End file.
